Last night I had two options at the end of a super long, emotional roller-coaster of a week:
1) Kill someone. Viciously and probably with lots of blood (might as well make it epic).
2) Go to the gym and run for 30 minutes, then do stretches and Pilates for another 20.
Obviously, since I’m sitting here on my couch and not in a jail cell, I chose option two. It was a hard call, though, let me tell you.
Now, normally, I have a pretty good grasp on my emotions. I don’t like them to feel out of my control and I’m quite good at internalizing them until I can deal with them in private. They have, unfortunately, been pulled out of me a couple times this week by a friend who doesn’t quite realize how precarious a balance I generally hold.
I’m trying to look at it as a good thing. I realize how unhealthy my coping methods are, believe it or not. And this friend has been a friend for a really long time, so if someone had to start cracking me open, unintentionally or not, I suppose at least I know he can deal with the fallout better than most.
And then there’s my sister, of course. Who has this really unique ability to talk me down, call me out for over-reacting and being utterly ridiculous, and make me feel safe again all at the same time. I don’t know what I would do without her.
Anyway, last night I reached the point of feeling like my emotions were beginning to whirlwind out of me, eager to destroy everything they met in their random, unstable path (dramatic, yes?). I had a very hard time containing them as class began to drag last night and when it started to go over the time it was allotted… Well, six hours is a long class period. Going over it for ridiculous reasons.. is just cruel. And dangerous, it felt, in my case.
So, I did what I always do. I shut down. Left as soon as the words “dismissed” were voiced and headed home to loud music. Then I walked through my apartment door, went straight to my bedroom, valiantly ignored my snotty roommate’s derisive look, thanked God that my talkative, overly social roommate was not yet home, changed into some workout clothes and headed immediately to the 24 hour gym my apartment graciously provides. Someone was clearing people out of my path because it was, thankfully, empty. Throw on my Breaking Benjamin iheart radio station, get on the treadmill, and suddenly I could breathe again.
Now, dramatics aside, I just wanted to put it out there that emotions can get the best of everyone. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing if we can find a healthy outlet for them.
Like the gym.
Or lego building.
Find your outlet (multiple, if needed) and embrace it. Maybe then you can find the necessary bravery to embrace your emotions, as well.
It can be scary.
Especially if there are very valid reasons for why you have such issues with them in the first place.
Trust me, I know.
But you aren’t alone.
We aren’t alone, lovelies.
Find what allows you to breathe easy.
Because killing people IS frowned upon… right?